It took less than 24 hours for me to realize I can't keep what I said with a straight face. Oh, I'd like to believe I could be Mother Theresa, or Ghandi, but in reality, I'm a fallable human being. I have given up beer for the most part, that is true. I also have a big heart and would love to see the good in everybody and ignore ignorance, commonplace, idiostocracy and egotistical morons...and morons in general, but I'm not Jesus. I may have said I have changed, and some may even agree, just glossing over my portfolio, but in all honesty, I am who I am. I strive for excellence and perfection, and wallow when I don't achieve it.
I probably keep most friends, relatives included, just by not spouting off about what idiots, hypocrits, and morons they are to their faces. I do this partially to keep the peace, but also because I know I'm far from perfect myself. However, one day, someone may just push my buttons at the wrong time and I will lose a relationship by calling a spade a spade. I have recently gotten into watching a 7 year running television show called, House. I realize I love this for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that often times I wish I could shoot off my mouth as he does and tell everyone what I think of them and what they're doing, or what their real motives are. However, I would have to accept the fact that, like House, I would be left very few friends...and I don't know if I could deal with that. Are false friends better than no friends? I don't know, but at least with friends you don't insult, there's always the hope that some day they will see the light and come around to reality and apologize for being such an insensitive, egotistical, self centered jerk; for a better choice of words.
I do love, but would prefer to be able to love without reservations, doubts, and bitten tongues. But, like I said, I guess I'm just human. There, now it's off my chest, and I can get on with it. I feel like I'm in AA or something. Isn't bearing your soul one of the 12 steps. I already know I'm powerless to the overall picture, or is that just self-proclaimed defeat? No...I'm not giving up. Not by a longshot am I giving up. Just trying to keep finding where and who I am in relation to everyone and everything else around me. Maybe I'll get it before they throw dirt in my face. Does anybody???
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