What a Difference in a Couple of Days

Last week we had 55 or 56 degrees one day. Lower 50's another, and 40's two or three others. I know it's only February 20th, but it sure was nice to see the sun and very little white. The Winter does seem to last long after the Christmas shine wears thin. No holiday songs, or bows and gift wrap. No fragrant pine boughs, or door wreaths. Even candles have changed their scents and meanings. But now, in the middle of February, there are signs of the Spring. I felt invigorated. Though my Michigan sinus continues to plague me throughout, I was feeling very good, and tackled several projects which built up over the past few months. I uncovered my basement work bench, and my garage work bench, repaired and tightened all loose screws on my charcoal BBQ, picked up after my pup's Winter deposits, and even began work on a new photo collage, commemorating our recent trip to Chicago we took on Christmas break. However, nothing lasts forever.

Around 3:00 pm, the snow, once again, began to fall. If you're not really a lover of Winter sports, like I said, the beautiful snows seem to lose their luster after the Christmas season. I do not dislike this, mind you. I revel in the sheer beauty and magnificance and awe of a full fledged snow fall; unlike the wet messes you may see in early November. Of course my opinion is only one of a Michigander. I recall spending a birthday with my older brother, many years ago, up in the mountains of Colorado, where on October 16th or 17th, we woke to eight inches of newfallen snow. It was gorgeous! In fact, looking down from his second story A-frame, 9000 feet up, one could really appreciate the "blanketed in white" description. And here too, the world is almost a white-out, as the snow waffles between wet pin points, and fluffy feathers, but continues nonetheless.



A few days ago, I was rerouting the flow of water from the rapidly melting snow in the yard, so as to divert the river from the mouth of my low lying garage, to the the opening to the drainage system I installed not two years ago for just that purpose. Today, I am awaiting the cessation of the white onslaught so I can hopefully clear this Wintry insinuation in one fellow swoop...or snowblowing, as the case may be. They may have had gloves on at the theme parks in Orlando a couple of weeks ago, but I'm sure they didn't need to shovel it! Stay warm and enjoy the weather :)

I'm so full of it, it's killin' me....

It took less than 24 hours for me to realize I can't keep what I said with a straight face. Oh, I'd like to believe I could be Mother Theresa, or Ghandi, but in reality, I'm a fallable human being. I have given up beer for the most part, that is true. I also have a big heart and would love to see the good in everybody and ignore ignorance, commonplace, idiostocracy and egotistical morons...and morons in general, but I'm not Jesus. I may have said I have changed, and some may even agree, just glossing over my portfolio, but in all honesty, I am who I am. I strive for excellence and perfection, and wallow when I don't achieve it.

I probably keep most friends, relatives included, just by not spouting off about what idiots, hypocrits, and morons they are to their faces. I do this partially to keep the peace, but also because I know I'm far from perfect myself. However, one day, someone may just push my buttons at the wrong time and I will lose a relationship by calling a spade a spade. I have recently gotten into watching a 7 year running television show called, House. I realize I love this for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is that often times I wish I could shoot off my mouth as he does and tell everyone what I think of them and what they're doing, or what their real motives are. However, I would have to accept the fact that, like House, I would be left very few friends...and I don't know if I could deal with that. Are false friends better than no friends? I don't know, but at least with friends you don't insult, there's always the hope that some day they will see the light and come around to reality and apologize for being such an insensitive, egotistical, self centered jerk; for a better choice of words.

I do love, but would prefer to be able to love without reservations, doubts, and bitten tongues. But, like I said, I guess I'm just human. There, now it's off my chest, and I can get on with it. I feel like I'm in AA or something. Isn't bearing your soul one of the 12 steps. I already know I'm powerless to the overall picture, or is that just self-proclaimed defeat? No...I'm not giving up. Not by a longshot am I giving up. Just trying to keep finding where and who I am in relation to everyone and everything else around me. Maybe I'll get it before they throw dirt in my face. Does anybody???

Things Change; And So Have I

Often times people change in their relationships and this is normal. It should be expected, but so often we refuse to acknowledge that we are the ones that have gone through the change. We blame others for our waning closeness, or our falling out of love. But just as it takes two to Tango, so does it take two to separate. Even opposite poles wouldn't repel if only one was negative and the other was neutral; it would have to be the positive to repel the negative. But before you get up in arms, I'm not trying to pin the tail on the donkey, or go after anyone else's relationship. I am speaking of myself and only thereof.

When I was in my youth, I drank with the best of them. I've done shots, played chandeliers, and even smoked a few cigarettes in my day. I know, I'm really living on the edge. However, in recent years, months even, I have really felt the pull away from many of those things. Maybe it's my concern about how it affects my heart, or how too much drinking can make me less of a responsible adult to my boys when they might need me, or even that my lack of care may hurt myself worse than I have in the past. Whatever the reason, I've taken stock in my life and have really focussed more on what I am, and what I want out of my life, and what makes me and my family happy. I've always enjoyed wine, and only tolerated beer; so why tolerate? I love being with my family, and hate being separated from them; so why separate? And there are so many other things I enjoy more than other things I have done. Yes, you have to sort through the lint in the couch to find the pennies, but once you find them, you treasure them.

Happily, one thing hasn't changed; my heart. I have always had a big heart, and always worn it on my sleeve. People don't need a PhD to figure out who I like and who I don't, or more to the point, whom I love. My Uncle Stan died recently, and although it was very nice to see my cousins I hadn't seen in ten, twenty, or thirty years, I was most happy to be there for my Aunt Phoofie, my dad, and my uncle, God rest his soul. When I spoke up to remember him, of all the pleasurable thoughts I could have expounded upon, I settled on a story about peas, carrots, and cranberry relish. It might have been trite, but it was real. I really loved my uncle, and really would have made or done whatever I could for him. 75 years is too short for this world, but at least I know that I was close to him, and remembered him when I could, and as often as I could throughout those years.

I love! I don't know if a lot of people can say that without throwing in a caveat here or there. Too many people worry about how what they say, feel, or do will affect or benefit them, rather than how it might benefit someone else; not knowing how the feeling of doing nice things for people can really give you a continued peace of mind, and even a high at times. I'm far from altruistic, but I know we live on this Earth with other people because we do. And just as if I were alone on an island somewhere, I would know I would interact with only plants and animals, and have to because they would be there with me, I also know that being planted among other humans here on Earth, to not take full advantage of their unique personalities and embrace which ones coincide and foster mine, would be wrong.

I HAVE changed. I apologize to all those who enjoyed my company and being before, because it more coincided with their lifestyles, but don't apologize for the change. I am more myself now than I have been in recent years, and love who I am. I love my wife and kids, my brothers and sister, and my parents, and all friends and family who want to love me too. Love is a two way street. My side is open. How about yours?